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Let me start by making it clear that this is somehow off-topic, and by that I mean that it’s not about how to do something in SolidWorks, or how to work around a limitation or known issue.  Yes, I know, how dreadfully disappointing! But, you see, every now and then I like to claim this blog as my personal space for reflection and, well, rambling too.  So, anyway, that little person that is always giving me burns at Novedge no matter what I write about (yes, now I know who you are) can run like a mad soul and give me a hundred burns right this instant, for all I care.

So, let’s see…  I think only one or two people knew about it, but truth is in the last couple of weeks I came really close to giving up and even shutting down this blog. I’m serious.  It wasn’t out of whim, either.  I think it was a combination of different factors, mainly the frustration that built up over quite some time. I guess you can say I was burnt out; somewhere down the road, what started as so much fun somehow didn’t feel as much now, and all I could think about was how little I had accomplished and how far I still am from reaching that goal I had set up myself from the beginning, to resurrect my engineering career.  

I felt overwhelmed whenever I thought about it, so I tried not to, but you know how these things have the nasty habit of coming back to haunt you when you less need them, like in the middle of the night, when you’re trying to get some sleep, or precisely at those moments when you’re trying to have fun and enjoy yourself. From wherever I tried to see it, it just seemed like it was taking way too long to be even reasonable. You know, often people tell you if you don’t see results within a certain time, then you’re probably wasting your time, so you’re supposed to have something to show for all your trouble and fast. Then, on the other hand, it just couldn’t go any faster than this.

I began doubting if this was even a goal I was supposed to have in the first place.  I am a mother and that comes first for me, because I want to be the kind of mother that is really significant in the life of her children, not the one that is never there, that simply lets other people raise them (even if that other people is a grandma or an aunt) and influence their character. And no, this is not to add to the debate of the working mother versus the stay at home mother, believe me, because at some point I want to be a working mother myself, just not a working-all-the-time mother, but it appears almost impossible to achieve that balance  when it seems to me, from what I’ve observed in my male peers, that putting long hours and sacrificing family time is almost expected in this kind of profession, otherwise you’re not seen as dedicated enough. And I also know that some mothers really have no other choice, so this is not to condemn anyone. I guess it’s simply the way I was raised, and I know many other women were raised the same way. Let’s face it, we are still the nurturing caregivers, and most of us will at some point have to make a pause in our career or at least slow down enough to raise our children or care for our ailing parents.  I know there are some stay at home dads, but they are few. And while it’s true that nowadays fathers are more involved in their children’s lives than they were when I was a kid myself, for most families it’s still the mother who carries the bigger load in making a home and caring for the kids, whether she works or not. I’m not saying this is fair or unfair. It’s just part of life.

We all do the best we can, but somehow it seemed to me that my best wasn’t going to be good enough for me to accomplish my dream, not now, not ever, so what was the point of even having that dream? I mean, was there any point in doing all this? Was all my effort really going to take me somewhere or had it just become some sort of hobby?  For me, it seemed that I had a lot going on against me and nothing going on for me: on one hand, not being able ( or not willing) to put in as many hours as a man would do in a job limited my options tremendously, and on the other, the lack of experience due to having been at home and apart from anything related to engineering for so many years made me still ineligible for many jobs out there where a more experienced individual was often required, no matter how much I could learn from books or how many classes I took.  The current situation of the economy doesn’t seem to help much, either, but that almost sounds like an excuse, because I know that truly valuable professionals don’t stay out of a job for long.

At some point, it appeared to me that the only way I could ever succeed at this attempt was if I gave up my parenting goals for the career goals, and I wasn’t about to do that. Still, a woman needs a way to provide for herself and some financial independence, as well.  As I read somewhere, even when happily married, a man is definitely never a plan. So, I began considering changing gears and going for a more “mother friendly” career… Trouble is I couldn’t think of anything else I would really like to do.  That is a problem because if you don’t love what you do, then you’re likely to do an awful job and resent it too. More sleepless nights, more stress. I hardly could bring myself to write much in this blog, because it only reminded me of how impossible my situation seemed…

But right when I was about to give up (or at least run around screaming out of frustration and messing my hair like the crazy woman I’ve been told I am) is when I mustered the courage to seek for advice, this time not from a man like I’d done before, but from a real woman engineer and mother that’s been there and done that.  Wow! What a difference! I’m glad I did because, unlike the men who often measure the worth of your efforts by how fast and how much you can deliver, she understood exactly where I was coming from and what’s important for me.  It was liberating to say the least!  She made me realize that life is not a race, but a journey, and that as long as I have a goal and work hard to achieve it, it doesn’t really matter how long it takes to get there. I will get there in my own time. That even if I have to knock on many doors, one will eventually open for sure.  That it doesn’t matter what everybody else may think about me or about my goal, my priorities in life or my efforts.  It doesn’t matter because they don’t know me and because it is my own, personal journey and they don’t even know where I’m headed to, but I do. That you can really be the mother you want to be for your kids and still give yourself a chance to achieve your dream; it may just take a little longer, but it’s perfectly fine. All you need is a plan, hard work, and some faith. The best of all is, for the first time in many, many years I felt it was OK to be all that I am: a woman, a mother, an engineer.  Probably for the first time in my life I realized that one didn’t have to take from the other or negate the other like some men seem to imply, that I didn’t have to choose, that I didn’t have to apologize to anyone for being all woman, for not thinking or behaving like my male peers or vice versa, for pursuing this kind of career instead of a more “lady like” profession, as my grandmother used to say, that I don’t need to prove anything or keep up with anyone, that it’s OK to be just where I am, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Hey, nobody is ever born knowing it all. It’s a process and there’s nothing to be embarrassed about if you’re not an “expert” in such and such. A lifetime is a long time to spend full of conflict over who you are and what you want, believe me, so for me this is an incredible feeling, to finally let go of that conflict.  It’s thrilling and invigorating, like a giant wave crashing on the shore, taking it all away to start anew.

I’m really thankful that there are still people out there willing to mentor others and provide some much needed advice to those like me.  I’m not giving up anymore, but you know, I’ll get there in my own time. Of course, I will continue to write in this blog, but also don’t expect to see a blogging frenzy. I write about my own experiences and what I learn as I go. I feel fine whenever what I’ve written helps others in their own efforts to learn, but I’m no expert, and that’s OK too.

Thank you very much for your patience, if you’ve made it this far. I promise next post will be about SolidWorks.  By the way, if you are in the area on August 5^th, consider attending the meeting of the Tri-Valley SolidWorks user group. If anything goes according to plan, I will be presenting about animation and/or rendering at that meeting, and you’re of course invited to come watch and ask questions, as long as you promise to go easy on me. This presentation is intended for beginners and is my first presentation at a user group and my first time speaking in public since 1996, so you bet I’ll be a bit nervous.

Hope to see you there!

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